In the face of adversity, there are three responses that most humans elicit: Fight, flight or freeze. Atleast, this is what we’ve studied in our Biology textbooks back in school. But, did you know that humans could ‘fawn’ in response to a potential threat?
This article attempts to explain the fawning trauma response in detail. Have you ever fawned? Read on to find out the answer.
What does it mean when someone is fawning?
When someone is fawning, it means that they are exhibiting a trauma response that is characterised by excessive people-pleasing. This coping mechanism is often rooted in a history of interpersonal trauma. It involves prioritising the needs and desires of other people to gain approval and avoid conflict.
Fawning can be an attempt to maintain relationships in one’s life by accommodating others’ needs over one’s personal needs. Individuals who are fawning, often do it subconsciously to avoid conflict at any cost.
While fawning can serve as a survival mechanism, it can also indicate underlying emotional or psychological distress. A person who frequently fawns may experience challenges in establishing healthy boundaries within the relationships they form throughout their life.
Adding to this, Muskan Adwani, a Clinical Psychologist presents her analysis
The fawning trauma response, rooted in interpersonal trauma, involves excessive people-pleasing and boundary issues. It emerges from fear of rejection, survival instincts, and poor self-esteem. Recovery entails self-compassion, mindfulness, boundary setting, and understanding fawning dynamics. Awareness and support are crucial for individuals navigating this complex coping mechanism.
What causes the fawning trauma response?
This section highlights five possible contributors to the fawning trauma response. They include the following:
1. Interpersonal trauma
The fawning trauma response often arises as a result of interpersonal trauma. These may include childhood abuse, neglect, or failed romantic relationships. Individuals may develop the fawning trauma response as a way to overcome these challenging environments.
2. Fear of rejection
An overwhelming fear of rejection or abandonment can elicit the fawning response. Individuals who have experienced rejection in the past may develop people-pleasing behaviours in an attempt to avoid being isolated and ostracized.
3. Lack of Boundaries
The fawning response can arise when individuals are incapable of setting healthy boundaries. This may be due to early life experiences or cultural influences. The inability to set and maintain boundaries can lead to a pattern of over-accommodating others.
4. An instinct to survive
Fawning is linked to the instinct for survival. In situations where fight, flight, or freeze responses may not be viable, individuals may instinctively resort to fawning as a way to escape the perceived threat and head towards safety.
5. Poor self-esteem
Individuals with poor self-esteem may subconsciously exhibit the fawning response as a means of seeking external validation. The constant need for approval and validation from others becomes a mechanism to cope with internal feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness.
The fawning trauma response: 11 signs you are fawning
Do you think you are fawning? Here are 11 signs to watch out for.
1. You seek to please others
People pleasing is the tendency to prioritise others’ needs and approval over one’s own, often at the expense of personal well-being
For example: You always agree with others, even if it goes against your own preferences, to avoid conflict and maintain harmony.
2. You just can’t say ‘No’
Having difficulty saying no can stem from a desire to please others or from a fear of rejection.
For example: You agree to take on additional tasks or responsibilities, even when you are overwhelmed, because you fear disappointing others.
3. You apologise constantly
Constantly apologising may be linked to a fear of upsetting others. One may also apologise frequently to seek validation from outside.
For example: You apologise excessively, even for minor things.
4. Your neglect your needs
Neglecting one’s needs can be attributed to reasons such as societal expectations, a fear of judgement, low self-esteem, or a strong desire to meet others’ expectations.
For example: You neglect self-care and put your own needs on hold to prioritise the desires of others.
5. You closely observe other people’s emotions
Being hypervigilant to the emotions of others may result from a strong desire to maintain stability.
For example: You constantly monitor the moods and emotions of those around you to adjust your behaviour.
6. You just can’t disagree
Difficulty disagreeing can stem from a fear of conflict, rejection, or a desire to maintain harmony.
For example: You avoid expressing your own opinions. You find it difficult to disagree with others.
7. You seek validation from outside
Seeking validation from external sources can be rooted in a desire for approval, self-worth, or a need for social acceptance.
For example: You rely heavily on others’ approval and praise to feel a sense of worth and validation.
8. You are afraid of criticism
Fear of criticism often arises in an attempt to avoid judgement or negative evaluation from others.
For example: You feel anxious at the thought of being criticised.
9. You apologise for setting boundaries
Apologising for setting boundaries may stem from a fear of disappointing or upsetting others.
For example: You apologise excessively when setting boundaries, as if the act of establishing boundaries is wrong.
10. You cannot follow your heart
Struggling to pursue your personal aspirations may be influenced by self-doubt, fear of failure, or external pressures.
For example: You struggle to pursue personal aspirations independently. Instead, you work towards what others expect from you.
11.You feel responsible for other people’s emotions
Feeling overly responsible for other people’s emotions can be linked to a desire for approval or fear of causing discomfort.
For example: You assume responsibility for someone else’s negative emotions, even when it’s not your fault.
9 ways to recover from fawning
There are several ways in which you can recover yourself from the clutches of fawning. However, remember that recovery is a gradual process.
1. Be kind to yourself
Practising self-compassion is crucial to recovery. The fawning response is merely a coping mechanism and it does not represent you. It is okay to feel this way.
How to: Place a hand on your heart or give yourself a gentle hug. Physical touch can reinforce feelings of warmth and self-compassion.
2. Be present
Mindfulness is one the best ways to ground yourself. Engage in mindfulness or practice meditation to stay present and cultivate self-awareness.
How to: Try the 5-4-3-2-1 mindfulness technique. Look around you and name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste.
3. Draw boundaries
Draw clear boundaries. Learn to recognize when people are overstepping them and respond accordingly. Remember to be assertive.
How to: Clearly communicate your limits to others. Practice saying “No” without feeling guilty or selfish about yourself.
4. Learn about fawning
Attempt to understand the underlying dynamics of fawning. This will help you gain insight into your responses, actions and behaviours. When in recovery, self-reflection is very important.
How to: Set aside time regularly to reflect on your feelings, triggers, and patterns of behaviour.
Watch this video to learn how the fawning trauma response hurts the relationships you form in your life.
5. Go to therapy
Consider therapy, especially trauma-focused therapies like EMDR or CBT. This will help address the root causes of your fawning response.
How to: Get in touch with a psychologist who will help address the underlying issues contributing to your fawning trauma response.
6. Affirm
Practise reciting positive affirmations to improve your self-esteem. Challenge the negative beliefs you hold about yourself.
How to: Create positive affirmations and repeat them regularly. For example, you may say, “I am worthy of love and compassion.”
7. Let it out
Find healthy ways to express your emotions. This can be through journaling, creating art or talking to someone you trust.
How to: Confide in people who will understand and respect your boundaries.
8. Join a support group
Joining a support group will enable you to surround yourself with understanding and supportive individuals who share your struggles. This will help you feel less alone in your journey of recovery.
How to: Surf the web for support groups that focus on trauma responses, fawning, or related issues. Websites, social media, or community centres can be good starting points.
9. Look after yourself
Prioritise self-care activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This will help in building a positive relationship with yourself. Remember, self-care is not selfish!
How to: If you enjoy listening to music, you can create a playlist of your favourite tunes and listen to it whenever you feel triggered or distressed.
FAQ’s
What is an example of a fawn response to trauma?
Imagine the following scenario: Vaishali, 21, has been a victim of abuse as a child. She has unresolved issues relating to her childhood trauma. At work, a co-worker makes a joke that makes Vaishali uncomfortable. Despite feeling hurt and triggered, she laughs off the comment. Vaishali downplays her feelings. This is because she believes that expressing disapproval might make the person upset and violent. Vaishali, therefore, never draws boundaries.
What are fawning behaviours?
Fawning behaviours often involve excessive people-pleasing, seeking external validation, and avoiding conflict at all costs. Someone who is fawning may prioritise others’ needs over their own. They may struggle to draw boundaries and suppress their emotions. This response, often rooted in trauma, can lead to self-neglect and emotional exhaustion.
Is fawning a sympathetic response?
No. Fawning is not a direct biological or physiological response elicited by the sympathetic nervous system such as the ‘”Fight, Flight or Freeze” response. Fawning is a psychological adaptation to stress and is characterised by behaviours such as people-pleasing, avoidance of conflict and self-neglect. A sympathetic response is one that occurs when the sympathetic nervous system, a part of the autonomic nervous system, is activated.
What is a fawn trauma personality?
A ‘fawn’ trauma response, often associated with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), involves a pattern of behaviour wherein individuals prioritise others’ needs, seek approval, and avoid conflict to maintain relationships. This response can lead to self-neglect as individuals suppress their own emotions and need to gain external validation and avoid rejection. This characteristics make up the fawn trauma personality.
Is fawning people pleasing?
People pleasing plays a significant role in the fawning trauma response. Someone who is fawning is likely to go to great extents to please other people at the cost of their own well-being. This people-pleasing tendency can be seen as a way to cope with trauma by attempting to maintain social harmony and gain external validation. The act of pleasing may also provide some people with a sense of belonging.
You do not have to fawn forever
As discussed in the article, fawning is a coping response that is often rooted in trauma. It manifests as excessive people-pleasing and a prioritisation of others’ needs over one’s own.
The fawning trauma is a psychological adaptation to stress. It is not a life sentence. One is not doomed to fawn for the rest of their life.Understanding and addressing your fawning behaviours are crucial steps towards recovery. Reach out to a mental health professional. There is help available for you.