Bargaining Stage of Grief: Everything You Need To Know

Grief is a universal human experience, one that touches each of us in unique and profound ways. Amidst the turmoil of loss, we often find ourselves traversing through various emotional landscapes, each stage presenting its own set of challenges and opportunities for growth.

Among these stages, the bargaining stage stands out as a critical juncture, where individuals grapple with the complexities of acceptance and hope. In this comprehensive guide, we embark on a journey through the bargaining stage of grief, exploring its nuances, impact, and strategies for navigating this tumultuous terrain with resilience and grace.

What Are The Stages Of Grief and Types?

The stages of grief, as popularized by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are commonly referred to as the “five stages of grief.” 

These stages are:

1. Denial:

Initially, individuals may refuse to accept the reality of their loss. They might believe that the situation is not happening or that there has been a mistake.

2. Anger:

As the reality of the loss sets in, individuals may experience intense feelings of anger. This anger can be directed towards themselves, others, or even the person they’ve lost.

3. Bargaining:

In this stage, individuals may attempt to negotiate or bargain with a higher power, themselves, or others in an effort to change the outcome or lessen the pain of the loss. They may make promises or seek ways to regain control over the situation.

4. Depression:

Feelings of sadness, despair, and loneliness often characterize the depression stage. Individuals may withdraw from others, experience changes in appetite or sleep patterns, and struggle with feelings of hopelessness.

5. Acceptance:

The final stage involves coming to terms with the reality of the loss. While this doesn’t necessarily mean feeling okay or happy about the loss, individuals in this stage begin to find a sense of peace and understanding. They may start to adjust to life without the person or thing they’ve lost.

It’s important to note that grief is a highly individualized process, and not everyone experiences these stages in the same order or with the same intensity. Additionally, some models of grief include additional stages or variations on the ones listed above.

As for types of grief,

there are various ways to categorize grief experiences based on factors such as the nature of the loss, the relationship to the person or thing lost, and the individual’s unique circumstances. Some common types of grief include:

1. Anticipatory grief:

This occurs when individuals experience grief before a loss actually occurs, such as when a loved one is terminally ill.

2. Complicated grief:

Also known as prolonged grief disorder, this type of grief involves intense and prolonged symptoms of grief that interfere with daily functioning and don’t improve over time.

3. Disenfranchised grief:

This type of grief is not openly acknowledged or socially supported, often because the loss doesn’t fit societal norms or expectations. Examples include grieving the loss of a pet, a non-romantic relationship, or a miscarriage.

4. Collective grief:

This occurs when a community or society experiences a shared loss or trauma, such as a natural disaster, mass shooting, or pandemic. 

These are just a few examples, and grief experiences can be incredibly diverse and complex. Each person’s grief journey is unique, and it’s essential to approach it with compassion, understanding, and support.

What Is The Bargaining Stage Of Grief?

The bargaining stage of grief is a psychological phase that individuals often experience when faced with a significant loss or impending loss. This stage typically occurs after the initial shock of denial and before the full onset of depression. 

During the bargaining stage, people attempt to negotiate with a higher power, fate, or even with themselves in an effort to reverse or mitigate the effects of the loss.

One of the key features of the bargaining stage is the offering of compromises or promises in exchange for relief from the pain of the loss. These negotiations are often irrational or unrealistic, reflecting the individual’s desperate attempt to regain control or find meaning in the face of overwhelming emotions.

Here are a few scenarios that illustrate this stage:

1. Health-related Loss: 

Imagine a person who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness bargaining with a higher power for more time. They may promise to change their lifestyle, be a better person, or dedicate themselves to a particular cause if only they could be granted a reprieve from their illness.

2. Loss of a Relationship: 

After a breakup or divorce, an individual may enter the bargaining stage by obsessively replaying past events in their mind, wondering what they could have done differently to salvage the relationship. 

They might promise to change their behaviour, seek counselling, or even beg for a second chance in an attempt to avoid the pain of separation.

3. Death of a Loved One: 

Following the death of a loved one, a person might engage in bargaining by making promises to themselves or to the deceased. 

They may plead for just one more moment with the departed, promising to live their life differently or to honour the memory of the deceased in specific ways.

During the bargaining stage, individuals may vacillate between hope and despair as they grapple with the reality of their loss. 

While bargaining can serve as a coping mechanism in the short term, it is essential for individuals to eventually move through this stage and come to terms with their loss in a healthy and constructive manner.

What Does Bargaining Look Like?

Bargaining in the context of grief looks like making deals or promises to try to change or avoid the painful situation. For example, someone might say, “If only I had done this differently, maybe things wouldn’t have ended this way,” or “I promise to be a better person if you just give me one more chance.” 

It’s like trying to negotiate with yourself, with fate, or with a higher power to somehow undo or lessen the pain of the loss.

What Happens In The Bargaining Stage?

In the bargaining stage of grief, individuals often experience a range of emotions and behaviours as they attempt to cope with their loss. Here’s what typically happens during this stage:

1. Negotiation: 

People in the bargaining stage may find themselves negotiating with themselves, with others, or with a higher power. They might make promises or plead for things to be different. 

For example, they might promise to change their behaviour, seek help, or even make sacrifices in exchange for reversing the loss or avoiding further pain.

2. Seeking Meaning: 

Individuals often try to find meaning or purpose in their loss during the bargaining stage. They may question why the loss occurred and attempt to make sense of it by searching for lessons or reasons behind it.

3. Replaying Events: 

People in this stage may find themselves obsessively replaying past events in their minds, wondering what they could have done differently to prevent the loss. This can lead to feelings of guilt or regret.

4. Emotional Turmoil: 

The bargaining stage is characterized by emotional turmoil as individuals grapple with conflicting feelings of hope and despair. 

They may swing between moments of optimism, where they believe they can somehow reverse the loss, and moments of despair, where they feel overwhelmed by the reality of the situation.

5. Continued Struggle: 

Despite their efforts, individuals in the bargaining stage ultimately realize that they cannot change the reality of their loss. This realization often leads to the next stage of grief, which is depression, as they come to terms with the permanence of their situation.

How To Move Through The Bargaining Stage Of Grief

Moving through the bargaining stage of grief can be a challenging process, but there are several strategies that individuals can employ to help navigate this phase:

1. Acknowledge Emotions: 

Allow yourself to experience and express the full range of emotions that come with grief, including sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion. Recognize that these feelings are a normal part of the grieving process.

How to:

• Set aside time in your day to sit quietly and reflect on your feelings.
• Write in a journal or talk to a trusted friend or therapist about what you’re experiencing.

• 2. Acceptance of Reality: 

Try to come to terms with the reality of the loss and accept that bargaining cannot change what has happened. Acknowledge that some things are beyond your control and that it’s okay to feel powerless in the face of loss.

How to:

• Write down the facts of the situation to help reinforce acceptance.
• Repeat affirmations or mantras that emphasize acceptance, such as “I cannot change the past, but I can find peace in the present.”

• 3. Practice Self-Compassion: 

Be gentle and patient with yourself as you move through the bargaining stage. Avoid self-criticism and judgment, and instead offer yourself kindness and understanding during this difficult time.

How to:

• Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend in distress.

4. Challenge Unrealistic Thoughts: 

Be mindful of any unrealistic beliefs or promises you may be making during the bargaining stage. Challenge these thoughts by questioning their validity and reminding yourself of the reality of the situation.

How to:

• Identify any unrealistic beliefs or promises you may be making during the bargaining stage.
• Write down these thoughts and examine them closely to determine their validity.

5. Focus on Meaning-Making: 

Instead of trying to change the past, focus on finding meaning and purpose in your loss. This could involve reflecting on the positive memories you shared with the person you lost or finding ways to honour their memory through meaningful actions or rituals.

How to:

• Reflect on the positive memories you shared with the person you lost and write them down in a journal or memory book.

FAQs

1. Is bargaining a coping mechanism?

Yes, bargaining is a way people try to deal with their feelings when something bad happens, like losing someone or something important. They might make promises or try to make deals to try to change what happened or make themselves feel better.

2. What are bargaining styles?

Bargaining styles are the different ways people try to make deals or promises when they’re grieving. Some might promise to change themselves, others might try to find meaning in the loss, some might ask for help from a higher power, and others might keep thinking about what they could have done differently. Everyone deals with grief differently, so bargaining styles can vary from person to person.

Takeaway

In conclusion, the bargaining stage of grief is a natural and important part of the healing process after a significant loss. It involves negotiating with oneself, others, or a higher power in an attempt to cope with the pain and find meaning in the loss. 

While bargaining can offer temporary relief, it’s crucial to eventually accept the reality of the situation and move forward with compassion and self-care. Remember, everyone’s grief journey is unique, and it’s okay to seek support and take things one step at a time.