Oversharing: What Is It, Reasons And How To Stop It

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You’ve probably overshared at some point in your life because social media is so widely used. There are others besides you. You might even wonder, “Why do I share too much?” There could be a variety of causes. 

It can be difficult to walk the fine line between sharing and oversharing when friends persuade you to share your life with them, multiple platforms encourage you to share your ideas with millions of strangers, and other people advise you to be more vulnerable.

In relationships, oversharing can occasionally be unavoidable since many people view their partner as their intimate partner. This is acceptable as well, although it may damage your bond. You need to comprehend the idea of oversharing and the reasons behind it before you can ask yourself if you are oversharing or figure out how to deal with oversharing and talking too much. 

What is oversharing in a relationship?

Oversharing in a relationship happens when you disclose excessive personal information, feelings, or experiences to your partner in a way that can be overwhelming, uncomfortable, or even hurtful. It’s important to strike a balance between openness and privacy in a healthy relationship.

Here are some signs you might be oversharing:

• Sharing every detail of your day: While communication is important, mentioning every minute detail can be draining for your partner.
• TMI (Too Much Information) about past relationships: Sharing negative experiences from past relationships can be a burden for your current partner.
• Oversharing about your vulnerabilities: Disclosing deep insecurities or anxieties before trust is fully established can be emotionally overwhelming.
• Venting constantly negativity: While it’s okay to express frustration or sadness, constant negativity can bring down your partner’s mood.

Why Do People Overshare in Relationships?

Oversharing in a relationship, while often stemming from a desire for closeness, can create discomfort and distance. Let’s get into the reasons why people overstep the boundaries of healthy communication and explore some examples to illustrate these points.

1. The Craving for Validation: A Constant Need for Approval

• Why it happens: Some individuals, especially those with low self-esteem, might overshare in an attempt to gain constant reassurance and approval from their partner. They crave validation for their thoughts, feelings, and actions, and believe that by revealing every detail, their partner will constantly affirm them.
• Example: Sarah constantly shares every social media comment she receives, both positive and negative, with her boyfriend, Michael. She dissects each comment, anxiously seeking his validation and reassurance about her attractiveness and likeability.

2. Fear of Rejection: Oversharing to Avoid Feeling Shut Out

• Why it happens: The fear of rejection can be a powerful motivator for oversharing. Individuals might believe that by disclosing everything about themselves, both positive and negative, they are creating a sense of complete transparency. This perceived transparency, they hope, will prevent their partner from finding reasons to reject them.
• Example: David, newly dating Jessica, bombards her with details about his childhood insecurities, past relationship failures, and even embarrassing anecdotes. He believes that by laying everything bare, he’s eliminating any potential dealbreakers and securing her acceptance.

To know more about it, watch this video:  Do this when you have overshared to regain your privacy & mystery-HOW TO STOP OVERSHARING|LUCYBENSON

3. Blurred Boundaries: Not Understanding or Respecting Communication Limits

• Why it happens: Healthy relationships require establishing and respecting boundaries. Some individuals, however, might struggle with this concept, leading to oversharing. They might not understand the difference between appropriate and inappropriate topics, or they might misinterpret their partner’s cues of discomfort as disinterest.
• Example: During a casual dinner with friends, Emily dominates the conversation by sharing intimate details about her recent therapy session, leaving her partner, Mark, and their friends feeling awkward and uncomfortable. She doesn’t pick up on the subtle shifts in body language or the forced smiles, continuing her overshare.

4. Unhealed Wounds: Unloading Past Experiences in an Unhealthy Way

• Why it happens: Past traumas or unresolved emotional baggage can manifest as oversharing in relationships. Individuals might feel compelled to unload these experiences on their partner, seeking a release or a sense of understanding. However, the timing or the way they share these experiences might not be conducive to a healthy relationship.
• Example: John, still reeling from a recent betrayal by a close friend, constantly brings up the incident in every conversation with his girlfriend, Lisa. He dissects his emotions, replays every detail, and expects Lisa to shoulder the burden of his unresolved hurt.

10 Ways To Stop Oversharing in a Relationship

Here are 10 actionable steps to help you curb the overshare and cultivate healthier communication in your relationship:

1. Know Yourself and Your Triggers:

• Self-Reflection: The first step is understanding why you overshare. Is it a need for constant validation? Fear of rejection? Journaling or talking to a trusted friend can help you identify underlying issues.
• Recognize Your Triggers: Certain situations might trigger your oversharing tendencies. Maybe it’s after a stressful day at work, or perhaps it’s during arguments when you crave reassurance. Identifying these triggers allows you to prepare alternative coping mechanisms.

Action step:

• Dedicate some time for self-reflection. Try journaling prompts like “What am I hoping to achieve by sharing this?” or “How might this information affect my partner?”
• Pay attention to situations where you overshare most. Is it during arguments? After a long day? Recognizing these triggers is the first step to managing them.

2. Consider Your Audience:

• Partner’s Perspective: Before launching into a story, take a moment to consider how your partner might react. Would they find this interesting? Maybe it’s a conversation better suited for a friend.
• Respect Their Boundaries: Healthy relationships involve respecting boundaries, both physical and emotional. Pay attention to your partner’s verbal and nonverbal cues. If they seem overwhelmed, uncomfortable, or distracted, take a step back.

Action step:

• Before sharing something personal, ask yourself, “Would I share this with anyone else?” If the answer is no, it might be best to keep it private for now.
• Pay close attention to your partner’s body language. Are they fidgeting? Making eye contact? If they seem disengaged, politely ask if they’re interested in hearing about this now, or if they’d prefer to talk about it later.

3. Practice Active Listening:

• The Power of Listening: Sometimes, the urge to overshare stems from a desire to be heard. Instead of monopolizing the conversation, practice active listening. This involves paying attention to your partner, asking clarifying questions, and offering support.
• Shift the Focus: Oversharing can make conversations one-sided. Practice active listening and show genuine interest in your partner’s life. Ask open-ended questions, and give them the space to share their thoughts and feelings.

Action step:

• When your partner is talking, make eye contact, put away distractions like your phone, and truly listen to their words.
• After they finish speaking, summarize what you heard and ask clarifying questions to show you were engaged.

4. Focus on the Present Moment:

• Building a Future Together: While sharing past experiences can deepen your connection, dwelling on the past can be counterproductive. Focus on building a future together and creating new memories.
• Share in Measured Doses: If you have a significant past experience you want to share, approach it in a measured way. Choose a calm moment, and focus on the most relevant parts of the story.

Action step:

• When the urge to rehash past experiences arises, gently redirect the conversation to the present. Ask your partner about their day, or discuss upcoming plans.
• If you feel the need to share a significant past experience, prepare beforehand. Consider what you want to convey and how much detail is necessary.

5. Filter Your Thoughts (and Texts!):

• Think Before You Speak (or Type): In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to blurt out things we might regret later. Take a beat to collect your thoughts before expressing yourself, especially through text messages which lack nonverbal cues.
• Edit Your Inner Monologue: Sometimes, the oversharing happens internally. Catch yourself dwelling on negative thoughts or anxieties and try to reframe them in a more positive light.

Action step:

• Develop a habit of pausing for a few seconds before responding. This brief pause allows you to filter your thoughts and choose your words more carefully.
• If you’re feeling overwhelmed or emotional, write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Revisiting them later with a calmer mind can help you process them in a healthier way.

6. Express Your Needs Directly:

• Healthy Communication: Instead of relying on oversharing to get your needs met, learn to communicate them directly and assertively. If you need reassurance, tell your partner. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, express that too.
• “I” Statements: Using “I” statements can help you communicate your needs without placing blame. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard sometimes. Can we talk about this?”

Action step:

• Identify the underlying need behind your urge to overshare. Are you seeking validation, support, or simply connection?
• Once you understand your need, formulate a clear and concise request. Practice expressing your needs using “I” statements.

7. Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms:

• Find Alternative Outlets: If you find yourself needing to vent or process emotions, explore healthier outlets. Exercise, journaling, or talking to a trusted friend can be great alternatives to oversharing with your partner.
• Self-Soothing Techniques: Develop self-soothing techniques to manage stress and anxiety. Try deep breathing exercises, meditation, or listening to calming music.

Action step:

• Identify activities that help you relax and de-stress. This could be anything from taking a hot bath to going for a walk in nature.
• Research and practice relaxation techniques like deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation.

8. Focus on Building Trust:

• Honesty and Transparency: Building trust is essential for a healthy relationship. Be honest and transparent with your partner, but focus on sharing information that is relevant and appropriate.
• Focus on Shared Experiences: Create new memories and shared experiences together. This strengthens your bond and fosters a sense of intimacy without relying solely on past experiences.

Action step:

• Strive for honesty in your communication, but avoid unnecessary details that might create discomfort.
• Plan activities you can enjoy together. This could be anything from cooking a meal together to taking a weekend trip.

9. Seek Professional Help (If Needed):

• Underlying Issues: If your oversharing stems from deeper emotional issues like low self-esteem or unresolved trauma, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can help you develop healthier coping mechanisms and communication skills.
• Couples Therapy: If oversharing is creating tension in your relationship, consider couples therapy. A therapist can facilitate communication, help you identify underlying issues, and work towards a healthier dynamic.

Action step:

• If you suspect your oversharing stems from deeper issues, reach out to a therapist. Talking to a professional can provide valuable tools and support.
• If you’re struggling to communicate effectively with your partner, consider couples therapy. A therapist can create a safe space for open communication and guide you both towards a more fulfilling relationship.

10. Celebrate Your Progress:

• Self-Compassion: Change takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and celebrate your progress, no matter how small.
• Positive Reinforcement: Acknowledge your efforts to communicate more effectively. Reward yourself for positive interactions with your partner.

Action step:

• Track your progress in a journal. Every time you successfully communicate a need or resist the urge to overshare, make a note of it.
• Reward yourself for positive communication with your partner. This could be anything from taking a relaxing bath to enjoying a special night out together.

In a nutshell:

In relationships, it can be challenging to break the habit of oversharing. That being said, you can quickly correct the situation if you know when to stop sharing too much. As this article discusses, you can stop oversharing by establishing boundaries, engaging in self-reflection, emphasizing active listening, taking breaks from technology, and other strategies. When you are about to overshare, reading insightful books and visiting a therapist can also help you think more clearly.